the way i see it

i quote benjamin button - life is defined by opportunities, even the ones that we missed. when i first heard it…just…smack! i thought it sums everything up succintly, and perfectly. it got me really thinking. i loved it. whether we took it or not is another matter. but it defines us nevertheless. what if we chose this instead of that? what if we decide not to pursue that path? what if we do? if one went us by would another comes by? what happen if we had taken up an option, ending up missing a better one? how would u know which one is better than the other?…questions, questions..

point is, whichever way we go, is definitive of what our life is. which ones we chose to follow, or neglect. it shapes us to be what we are today. oh well..i didnt mean to be philosophical, but it just gets me. really gets me. life summed up, just like that!

just went to see transformers few days back. not that im really keen on it, just some guys wanted to and i just said ok..i mean, i didnt even watch the 1st one! even as a child i never really followed it, or thundercats..or star wars, even. return of the jedi is the only one ive watched to date. i dont know, i was never really into it. as i suspected, i didnt really enjoy it. really funny, i must say, but the CGI is a bit too much for my liking. at some point i remember thinking, might as well make it to be an animated feature. i like it real..like real effects..well..sign of the times, i guess. just like some oldie would say star wars is the best ever made, despite the tech being so out to date now. gosh i feel old.

sign of times indeed. when people around u noticeably starts to age. watched jumanji today, and i thought robin looks very young. then i recalled..it was 1994, 15 years ago. funny how 15 years added can make someone looks so, so much older when it doesnt sound so. before u know it, soon enough the guy will be gone. ill be missing him then. the guys so ridiculously witty and funny, never fails to crack me up.

ive watched football ever since i was in school, and i remember all my heroes were older than me..born in 70’s. before you know it, they’re retiring. and you find yourself looking up to kids..born in the 90’s..messi…etc.

and then there’s blur..gosh albarn looks so old and fat. though coxon still is, as ever the great guitarist as he had always been. soon enough, listening to blur, nirvana, system, deftones or whomever it is shall be giggled on..deemed to be old school..just like i did to whomever listening to deep purple, scorpions, queens, def leppard, iron maiden, or metallica even…

damn…25 years of age and im feeling so goddamn old!

it has been quite awhile hasn’t it? well..i guess its just one of those seasonal thing where u would lose interest on it soon enough. truth to be told, i honestly don’t know why i even did it in the first place. some say its the in thing, its the place to pour your feelings, some say people need to be heard, everyone got something to say, so on and so forth. i don’t have the need to be heard, honestly. i have my opinion, yes, but even that, was not my intention in doing it. i don’t need to be heard, in fact, it can be quite uncomfortable when people starts to quote what ive wrote. im not using it as an outlet to let my feelings out either. very careful bout that. sure, u can tell roughly whats going on, but im really careful not to go too deep. its not something i want to do, to pour it all out publicly and make myself looks vulnerable. merely just my views on stuffs, that’s all.

but then again, i never did it with hundreds of readers in mind.  in fact, i consider it like a diary, purposely left out on a busy hallway. most would just walk and ignore it, some might pick it up and sees to whom it belongs to, and few would happen to know and lets curiosity gets the best of them and reads inside it. honest, thats how i see this whole thing as. i totally didnt expect that many would read this. now that i know, seems like im putting myself out in the open. how uncomfortable.

anyway, here i am doing it again. heh..thank God for anonymity, i can speak my mind freely, unlike some who would be scrutinized at everything they say, or do. its a shame. cos i think theres nothing wrong in speaking ur mind. i always have my opinion on things, and i believed it. but i dont need people to share my view. i dont have the need to be right. feel free to disagree. i just dont like confrontation. call me a wuss, but i dont think theres any point in prolonging something without a clear ending in sight. its best to let it be sometimes. believe what u want, i believe what i want. its normal to have a difference of opinion. as long as it doesnt have a bad consequence, lets just leave it at that. many times i find myself agreeing with others just for the sake of ending the disputes. inside, most of the time it doesnt change anything i feel towards the matter. i still hold my own opinion to be right. well, if the other needs to be right that much, just let them have it. its just not worth it.

most of the time though, im proud to say that withdrawals does make me look right. like im handling it with a bit of class…heh.. often the other party have the impression like they feels the same too. like im right, despite me withdrawing and agreeing with them. maybe im just so full of myself, but thats how it felt.

its good that i felt that way, cos being gracious in defeat is something im bad at, i have to shamefully admit. im a terrible loser. sore, bitter loser. go to my parents and my dad would fondly recalls one incident, where i cant possibly be more than 4-5 yrs old. he has been telling the same story to people since i was little, kinda embarassing too. he had just bought this gameboy thing. me and him would compete to achieve the highest score possible. after trading records several times, eventually he sets up a score that was very high. try as i might, i just cant beat the score. after some time, i realize that it was unbeatable. i broke down, sulk, and throw a mighty tantrum. all over a bloody game.

if that wasnt embarassing enough, usually after that my mom would add on something from her experience as well. i was 9 or something, and i was saying something in english, but i was pronouncing it wrongly. she went on to correct it, and lo and behold, i snapped. i went on speaking in english for the whole day, just to prove i have a good command of the language at that age (arrogant cunt, i know). eventually my mom got fed up and scolded me that im mad because she corrected me, but d fact that im going berserk must mean that i knew i was wrong. damn, what do u say to that? shes right. that im too proud to admit i was wrong, even when i knew i clearly was. i was offended by the fact that she corrected me. wasnt even done in jest, she was saying it really nicely.

looking back, that has always been the case. i seldom accepts invitation to play football on playstation with my housemates cause i knew i wasnt really good at it. i would find it hard to withstand the taunts from them, should i lose. i rarely went taunting man u, chelsea or liverpool fans when they lose even i am actually delighted at the fact that they lose, cause i cant stand the abuse hurled at me next time arsenal lose. like last nite..heh..nobody rubs it in, so that felt good. and the list goes on and on.

my girlfriend thinks im too proud. and according to her, apparently more than one people actually thinks im a stuck up and a bloody arrogant cunt. which suprises me really. i always consider myself to be an introvert, rather than an extrovert, and i think many of my peers from school would testify to that. the kid who keeps pretty much to himself. how come keeping to myself  can be perceived as arrogance? i did not went out to verbally ridicule people or try to emerge as this mr know-it-all kind of attitude. so its puzzling. apparently my body language suggests so. i dont know. i remember a couple of times when i was debating for the school where i absolutely ridiculed the opponent, taunting and being really provocative (boy the crowd loved it when i was being stuck up that way), but anyway thats not me. thats a persona i adopted on those occasions, just to swing the debate to our favour. though it shows that im capable of it, but i doubt that thats how i carry myself. but i guess if more than 1 person said so, then there might be a glimmer of truth there, as much as i disagree with the verdict. after all i am capable of it. though being capable and actually doing it is a totally different things altogether, but hey what the hell..

seems that there is a thin line between arrogance, carrying yourself with pride, and just being overly sensitive. feel free to categorize me in any of it, i dont know if theres any difference anymore. frankly i dont even know if i care. this is me, whatever u want to call it. its easier to know people by name, rather than the way they are, dont u think? cos its too subjective. everybody sees other people differently. one of those moment i guess –

“whats in a name? everything” heh….

1. malaysian football

has become a great joke isnt it? now im a kaki bangku myself, but we should all give up on malaysian football. its a joke. especially with all the funding that they are getting. there are other sports that  could use the money. like squash, or hockey even. look at the netherlands, a country smaller in size, and population than our country. year after year, talents are lured out of their country to other leagues, and yet they keep producing them, year after year. comes down to the system that they have, the academy. we spend a lot on that too..academy, programmes, coaches etc2…and yet, look where we stand? of course, if the money is really channelled towards the development of the sport, then we should have seen improvements by now. dare i say it? the money goes to somebodys pocket, of course. the only reason it is still crap, and the only reason the funding still pours in. surely some people stands to gain from it.. and u got people saying, “saya takkan berundur, saya ada tanggungjawab untuk memulihkan martabat bolasepak negara kita”..how noble. give me the money ur getting then i too, would be doing it for the sake of “maruah bolasepak, bangsa dan negara kita”.ive long given up on it, and maybe, should everyone.

2. perak

or should i say, the country as a whole? the whole party hopping thing is really hilarious. i dont care who is in power, really. its just amusing. though, u got to say, love him, or hate him, this would definitely not happen under the leadership of Dr. M. everybody would be scared shitless to do such thing. call him a dictator, maybe, but perhaps thats what leadership is all about. some1 who can control. poor paklah looks like a senile old man, ignored by everyone. nobody listens to him anymore. and even him, seems content with distancing himself from everything. preferring instead to officiate minor events and all. u got to feel sorry for the guy. its not his fault, its just the way he is. the point of being a leader is just that, to lead. u can be clean and all (i dont believe in a clean politician), but if u cant lead, then its pointless. ur looking for both, an honest, and a charismatic leader…i say keep dreaming. be gay, or a mongolian murderer..i couldnt care less..if u can lead the country to greater heights..then thats the man. as much as i admired Dr M, i dont think hes clean at all..but just look at what has he contributed. i believe anwar was wrongfully treated by him, sort of misuse of power, but he is still the best man for the job at the time. i remember some friends in school going “make sense, hes a bloody mamak himself!!” guess what guys, 10 years on, i was proven right!..even u guys would admit that im right. the country is starving for a leadership like that again.

3. my mind

wellllll…not as sorry as the 2 above, but still…err…some things are better left unsaid..maybe i should leave it at that.obviously some things are bothering me..i wasnt gonna elaborate more anyway, just thought it was appropriate with what ive mentioned today. quite a couple of bothering things..heh.. what to say??im in a sorry state of mind.heh..

…Nuff said!!

try looking at the front page of ANY newspaper for the past two weeks and tell me that u are least disturbed by it.i dont think anyone can. i couldnt. find myself shaking my head everytime. yet the fact remains that apparently there are some sick people enjoying it all. yet again it proves to the whole world that american politicians is nothing but the puppets. puppets of the jews. apparently the “change” that obama meant was only to be taken literally as such. just a change of personnel, nothing more.

it bothers me really2 much. some say we got bigger problems in the country and that were not related to them and all, but i guess the sight of it all is just so sickening that u can’t help to be really disturbed by it. before u know it, ot has been 2 weeks since i last drank a can of coke, or had any kind of fast food. which is a great achievement if u asks people who knows me. sure , the whole boycotting thing wouldnt do any harm to the US, simply because:-

a) everything is from them these days. if we were to really abandon US products, e.g. PC, clothes etc. we might as well live inside a cave.

b) it wouldnt hurt their economy, as malaysian representation in their market is really small. if im having a meal at a fast food restaurant once a week, if i were to stop doing that, the US would only stand to lose US$3 per week. thats US$12 per month, and US$144 per annum. hardly anything, isnt it?

c) its just cant be done in real total. u could say that if a million people decides not to eat McD, they would stand to lose US$144 million. sure, but lets get real. have u ever seen an empty McD? people wud still go there. if 15mil malaysians decides not to, then the other 15mil wud feel totally fine doing it, and its not that theres anything wrong in that. if anything, we’re only shrinking their profit by US$144mil. they wud not stand to lose any money.

but what are the alternatives? we cant go there, we have problems of our own too, as much as it bothers us whats happening over there.

but at least that shows displeasure, how much we hated it. im not going to promote it, but i think it is a nice thing to do. im in. and theres also the power of the prayers. something happens today, that really moves me. its friday, and theres the solat jumaat. and in the prayers, i find myself being really into it. if im truly honest, its the most deep, deep prayers that ive ever been in a quite some time. almost brought tears to my eyes. and the most beautiful thing is that, im not the only one. the cries and choruses of “amin” resonating from the whole jemaah was one of the loudest ive ever heard, as the imam went into a 10-minute prayer recital specifically dedicated to Palestine. he was emotional too. among the words were “musnahkan perancangan mereka, hancurkan semangat mereka, mudahan senjata mereka menetak tengkuk mereka sendiri, bom dan peluru mengena perut mereka sendiri, etc2″, simply put, may the jews die, burn and rot in hell. that kind of impression. brilliant, just brilliant.

as i was saying, i wasnt the only one moved by this. it lifted everyone, crying “amin” to every sentence. made me realize that we’re not alone in the whole thing. which is great, cause it is simply just a horrible, horrible thing to happen. whatever that is in my capacity, then im definitely would like to give my support to it. good luck brothers, my prayers are with you.

the world would be waiting for 20th January. all those “change” crap. time to walk the talk, obama. i seriously doubt that anything would change. but if im wrong, then its definitely a mistake that i would be absolutely ecstatic for.

so just like that, 2008 is gone. a year definitely doesnt feel that long. its 2009, and i shall be a quarter of a century old, halfway through this year.

so, as im approaching the landmark, what do i expect to have by then? we all have things we desire. that is what we strive for. of late, the drive for the thing i desire has put me under a tremendous amount of pressure. it has become something i need, rather than what i desire. a pressure so intense, that it bugs so much, and i find myself being under a lot of stress, many times over.

and it makes me wonder. sometimes u think that no one could have it all. but some people seems to have it all. and yet if u asked them, im sure they wudnt admit to have it all..theres always something missing. we always wants more. its human nature. its just that people tend to look at the glass half empty, instead of half full.

in the end i guess thats my new year’s resolution. to slowly fill up the glass, little by little. and if in the end it was not to be full, i will try to look at how much has HE helped to fill up. be grateful, and thankful for it. at the same time, always try to fill it up.

for HE has given me many things in life for me to be thankful for. supportive parents, a happy, close knit family, siblings who are respectful to one another..come to think of it, i cant recall when was the last time we had an argument with one another, friends that shall be there in times of needs, a good job (not great, but good), the brains, for i may not be the brightest, as my results would testify, but as far as being knowledgeable, and the ability to reason well with others is concerned, i think im pretty much up there with the rest, a caring girlfriend who loves me a lot, and the list goes on and on..

perhaps that is precisely the point that Allah is making when one particular verse is repeated so many times in the same Suraah. loosely translated, a simple analogy would be as if a disappointed father lecturing his son…ive fed u all your life..what else do you want..i give you good education…what else do you want..i provide you the roof which you seek shelter of…now what else do you want..i give you money for you to spend…what else do you want…a reminder from the above, for us to always be thankful for what HE has given us, not to moan about what others have that we did not have, things we want that we dont get…and instead, just be thankful for what HE has given us, for HE has given us a lot, indeed.

“which of the many favors of the Lord do you deny”

may 2009 be a fruitful and a good year to all of us. with the right effort, and with a little bit of luck, and the grace from the above, may all of  our dreams and wish will come true. happy new year.

just where is that gonna come from anyway? 1 of life greatest mysteries. its different for each individual i guess..but most of the time, take ur pick - money, a good job, people around u, the heart, friends, family, love, blah3…

i have an idea of my own on what it is actually. pictured it a couple of times over..eventually that what makes life all the sweeter. in my case its definitely sumthing that i dreamt about.something to aim for. joie de vivre.

in the end i guess thats the place to start when planning your life. ask yourself, whats ur idea of it. then work towards it. the meaning & sweetness of life lies there.

ahh…again, love and affection. i cringe at every thought and everytime i read about my previous writings on the matter. i dreaded it..dun get me wrong, i meant every single word, and im pretty pleased about the way it comes out..a true, honest admission of love. but why do i need to write about it so publicly, making myself look like a hopeless lovestruck guy, when the only person who needs to know is her?? i would feel like puking if i were watching/reading sumthing expressing love so publicly, though i wudnt say anything about it…after all, its his rights to do whatever he wanted to. and yet, here i am, doing the exact same thing!!ah well..its my rights to say about what i want, and i guess what others thinks is irrelevant with regards to the matter..

anyway..getting to the point, thats my idea of it. a happy life. specifically, to live well..and at the moment, i cant imagine that it could be achieved without her. when u think of your future and shes in everything that u planned to do, then evrything else dun matter. u could have evrything else, but it will feel empty, not meaningful enough. similarly, u could miss out on everything, but u have the subject that u imagined to be in all of it, than its all u ever gonna need. sure, u wud reflect regrettably at all the things u missed out on, bummer…but u wud think, at least u have her.

sure, we want many things in life. i am no different. i have ambitions. God knows im working hard towards it all. and i sure hope it pays off the way i wanted it to. ultimately God knows what is best for us, HE knows things we dont. HE sees things we dont. and ultimately HIS judgment may b for the best benefit of us. i want it all the way i pictured it to be. but if it is not to be, if only one of it wud come true (i sure hope NOT),

..then my answer would be Ba’izah. in a heartbeat.

yup..honey, youre my joie de vivre. i love u.

The nation is blessed with great comedians.forget comedy club, we got a greater 1 right here in Malaysia. its called ‘the parliament’. try watching the debates. the squabbles, the quarrels..wildly amusing..and the points are topics are really hilarious too..what a great joke those bunch of people are. makes you pity yourself to have such “great” & “charismatic” __________ (well..u know) to lead you. thats why we are not in there i guess…we are much too smart for that. though they are the ones eventually having the last laugh..they make all the money!finally it pays to be a moron!

heh..obviously im slamming both sides..im on neither’s side..read a piece by Hishamuddin Rais in the sun recently..writes about how he despised filling forms. well..he raised up some good points in there..but i guess nobody cares. its taken for granted. sure its a hassle..but we do it anyway. i do it without complaints. sure..its obvious im a guy, u got my i/c so why do you need me telling my name, i/c no, so on and so forth?most of the times we do it without saying much..we knew there would be a form to be filled up…so,just do it!..its nothing but whining..but then again..the column is titled RaisWhine, so i guess thats pretty much justified..

it got me thinking though, of how much we whine..im guilty of that too. here i am, whining about what this guy or that guy is whining about!i guess its the easiest thing to do, when things arent to your liking, or arent going your way.

but hey..if everyone is not bothered what others think or say..just shrug it off and move on. whilst it is respect, but it must have been a really selfish world to live in. i always try to shrug off things and not let it get too much into my head, try to appear bulletproof as if im ok about everything..and i THINK that im pretty calm bout things, and its hard to get under my skin..always trying to shrug things off as if its nothing..but i guess its not that easy..we may look calm and not bothered…but it bugs us inside…we are whining inside..though by keeping it inside and putting on a smile or a brave face will always makes u look the bigger person, rather than a screaming, shouting, scolding kind of person..people may be afraid of it, but they would have no respect for it.

though when you think about it, if everyone is doing that…now there goes our comedy club..it would be a more efficient administration..and a smarter, respectable leaders…now where’s the fun in that? sometimes things are better the way there are…heh…well…its a beautiful life…it sucks..but thats why its so beautiful.

sometimes its just impossible to tell whats going on inside a person’s head.
some other time though, it can be dead obvious. either way, perhaps its best not to bother to try to get into other people’s head. i don’t. it’s hard enough just to get into my own head these days.heh..

we knew what we want, but getting there is a bit enigmatic. that’s the tough part. choices to make. might not be the right one. which explains why some bright minds didnt make it in this world. u need the brains..and with a bit of luck as well. fortune favours the bold, u make your own luck, and the lists of cliches about luck goes on and on. i guess thats why theyre cliches though…because its true most of the times.

and then there’s that word, “if”. pretty pointless dont u think? “if” we did that before….., “if” id had known, “if” we chose…instead of…, its all in the past, and theres nothing u could do to change it. best thing to do is to pick yourself up, and move on. to move forward u cant be looking backwards. just roll with the punches, they say. eventually, God’s willing, you’ll be in the right path. after all, all the challenges does make the victory a lot sweeter. straightforward path to success, wheres the thrill or fun in that? the inevitable road to victory is bound to include a couple of wrong turns beforehand. the important thing is not to give in after a few wrong turns. eventually you’ll get there. good luck.

well…all these rubbish is actually a message to myself.. well..ive got a lot on my head of late, which explains the 2 months absence..gosh…has it really been 2 months? was involved in a 4 car pile up recently, with me starting the whole thing. heh..funnily i didnt get the blame at all. i rammed onto the car in front of me (a vios, if u must know), and shes the one who apologizes, for braking..i was like…huh??…but ok..of course, i didnt try to apologize after that!its easier to put the blame on someone else..heh..im sure once she gets her head straight she would figure that im the culprit..heh..

anyway, i found out the whole ‘life flashes out in front of you’ was a whole load of bull..i remember every second of it. i still remember how the impact felt, throws me back and forth..the sound of it..brakes, glass shattering..all of it. i remember my hands shaking uncontrollably. i remember, literally sprawling to find my handphone, which was thrown from the passenger seat to underneath it. i was so shaken i couldnt find it at first!i mean, how hard it is to find a phone underneath a seat??i remember my fingers shaking uncontrollably as i approached the other 3 drivers. though i quickly regained my composure after that, which is great..otherwise i must have looked like a complete moron in front of them. suffice to say, i handled it quite well..heh…well enough that i didnt get a single blame for it..why, even the girl behind me apologizes for slamming my car from behind..and the guy behind her too..as if im the only innocent party there…heh..

anyway, it took a full month for the car to come out again, after which i found out the wiring has gone all wrong..fixed it…only to break the oil sum a couple of days after..then theres the kancil, with a cracked piston and gasket..gosh…as if theres a jinx following me since after the crash..(nat, if ur reading this, sorry for keep making fun of your outstanding driving ability..heh) damn..karma DOES exists!!

heh…and to think that it all happens after a week which was so great. dont think ive ever had a great holiday like that..a full week of extensive touring, travelling, and basically just…well…lepak..layaaaan jek…(emphasis on the word “extensive”, it really was that, “EXTENSIVE”, both physically and err..financially)..well..its only befitting to have a crappy time after a great time like that eh?

well, u cant always have it both ways, can u?

damn the karma!

is it just me, or is the spirit of the holidays is a bit dim this time around? financial constraint, i guess..in lights of all the economic meltdown around us, the holidays took a backseat. people not spending so extravagantly this time around. perhaps its not so looked forward to as much as it has been in the past.

still…its the holidays. a break from everything else is always a nice thing. especially for village-less people like the rahims. it means no traffic. no parking problem. and pure rest. klang valley minus the traffic jam? now thats heaven on earth.thats where it ends for us unfortunately. for we had such a small family. and on the evidence of last year, raya only begins after zuhur, and ends slightly after maghrib. me waking up at 10, only for my brother to top that by waking up near noon. heh…

food?since the grandparents passed away, all we have is…spaghetti, hot dogs..and cereals. though come to think of it, it has always been that way even when the grandparents are still around. but at least in addition to all those food there would be rendang, ketupat and all. now, as theyre no longer around, all thats left is those spaghetti, hot dogs…and cereals..

jalan raya? well…theres 1 aunt and uncle in gombak, then a grandma in keramat, and couple of grandmas in klang…and there u have it. theres even 1 year, when the whole 6 of us even went to see the sixth sense at the movies. but thats raya haji.anyway, it was nice, as there is no long queue, sold out problem and all that, but just shows how uneventful raya is in our homes..

anyway, have a great 1, folks. for those driving back to your hometowns, be careful. to friends, anyone, that ive might have did, said, or wrote anything wrong, my sincerest of apologies. we are all ordinary human beings. we all make mistakes. in the end, thats the beauty of raya i guess..for theres 365 days a year for us to come clean of anything and to meet up with anyone, and yet, if its not for raya, i doubt that it would happen.. at least theres a chance to clarify all that, to forgive and forget. it opens a window of opportunity for us to do just that. so lets all do that. the spirit of raya is NOT dead. very much alive, indeed.

again, to everyone, have a great one.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA, MAAF ZAHIR BATIN.

maaf banyak2. i mean it. really, really, truly does.

IKHLAS,

FAISAL RAHIM.

im sure that sometimes we cant seem to be able to find the words to express what we felt. we knew it, and yet we cant say what it is. whether it is deep affection, or even just pure wrath. even if the webster or dewan bahasa or oxford dictionary is cracked wide open…there are simply no good enough words to express how we feel. thats how complicated the human feelings are. a million entry in the dictionary and yet none could explain some things.

lately i find myself in that position more times than ive ever been in the past. in the end, u just dont bother trying to find the words anymore. u dont bother trying to hard to explain it anymore..cos its damn hard..or maybe even impossible. and it all comes down to one reason. her.

now, more complications. relationships are hard. and yet we all crave for it. go nuts over it. well…how do you explain that? theres just no logic behind it. whether its disappointment, or pure elation, theres never any explaining it.

raging hormones, perhaps? well, how else can you explain it? had a rough day at work, coping with dizziness, stress, feeling moody and all..and just the sight of her, or just hearing her voice on a simple phone call, or just even a simple sms cures it all..how do you explain that? doesnt make any sense at all. ridiculous.

relationships saw many people doing many stupid things. going the distance just for the sake of pleasing the other half. being unattached, now thats your licence to being selfish. its all about u. do whatever the hell u wanted to do. u got all the freedom in the world. and yet people choose to be the former. whatever for?

in the end u just got to accept, that theres no logic behind it. instead of finding explanations for it, just embrace it.. dont question it. take it with arms very well wide open. i am.

its nice to write about it for a change. in the face of all that is happening in the country. politics, gruesome killings. its sick. i remember being a kid, all there was in the news was politicking (as always), economic policies, the aussie drug scandal, malaysia - australia, malaysia - uk, pak man telo, all stuffs that doesnt involves bloodshed. politics, as sickening as it was, never involves any killing (physically, that is) except character killing, backstabbing and the likes…unless mona fandey is involved of course. granted, as a kid u dont read into the news as much as you do when youre all grown up.. but still..kids being raped..bodies burned..throat slitting..whatever happening to this country ill never know.

which is why love is so much sought after i guess. at least we got some place to run to in face of it all. i could shut my eye to all thats around me and just think of her. the world suddenly is a much better place. lovesick u say? maybe so. but as opposed to the harsh reality of the world, i say…no contest. i take her anytime.

where did it brought me? what did it bring to me? a hell lot. its a big lesson in life. to learn to care about other people than yourself. learning to be tolerant. learning that u cant have it all in life. give and take. now before u judge me being a lovesick bastard, think. maybe i am, but if we all could learn that, now wouldnt the world be a better place? its too optimistic, i know. a bit too much to ask, maybe. fact is, theres always gonna be jerks around the world. power, money..theres just too much temptations. and we all have our darker sides. but that is where we should look, rather than looking at others. the demon within, we all have that. banish your own demons. the best place to start is within us.

embrace love. i am. and it made me a better person. learn to love. like i said, theres no logic behind it, but it cures. relate how you feel to the ones you love to the world, everybody. the sensation that it brings, everytime i see her. cared so much about her. and when shes around me, i would want to protect her. from everything else. no one could touch her. now if we could relate that to everything else in the world, wouldnt it be lovely?

this is a tribute to you, honey. thanks for all the love you gave me, and the opportunity for me to love you back. made me a better person. made me happy. and i want to always be feeling this way. as i said, sometimes u can never express it enough, and in this case, since when “i love u so much” is sufficient? it never is. and yet we have no other words for it, so lets not bother trying to explain it, shall we? heh..its unexplainable. i guess i have to stick with, I love you, i love u so much, i love u a hell lot, and i love u so, so, soo, very much. STILL doesnt say it all, but i guess you kinda get the idea, dont you? i love u.